What It'southward Like to Be a Diagnosed Narcissist

Photo: Galleria Nazionale d'Arte Antica

Though the term "narcissist" is often used as shorthand for your standard preening, primping, vanity monster — reality stars, Instagram influencers, certain politicians — the actual diagnosis, as it stands in the world of clinical psychology, is considerably more layered, and not uncontroversial. While the DSM IV defined narcissists as necessarily "defective empathy," the DSM V softened their terminology, writing merely that many narcissists' empathy is "dumb." When we utilize the term colloquially, we might mean only that someone is self-captivated, or we might mean that they are arrogant — both traits a pathological narcissist might have, simply also might non.

In his 2015 volume, Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — Virtually Feeling Special, clinical psychologist and Harvard Medical School lecturer Craig Malkin aimed, in office, to resolve some of that mixed messaging. Showtime, he argues, narcissism is something we all have. The core of all narcissism, says Malkin, is "a pervasive, universal homo tendency: the drive to feel special, exceptional, unique." Research tells us that most people (even the really, truly average ones, which is, of form, most of us) remember of ourselves equally special. Untrue every bit it may be, this little flake of superiority is a skillful affair, says Malkin: It makes us dream bigger, piece of work harder, and maybe even alive longer. This, says Malkin, is healthy narcissism.

Unhealthy narcissism, meanwhile, refers to a demand to feel special, says Malkin. People with narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD, are " so addicted to feeling special that they lie, steal, cheat, and do whatsoever information technology takes in gild to become their loftier," says Malkin.

But the form in which narcissism can nowadays itself besides varies, says Malkin. While most people are familiar with what Malkin calls the "extroverted narcissist" — the braggadocious chest-thumpers — there are too introverted narcissists, whose sense of specialness may derive more from a sense of victimhood than superiority. "These are people who … might feel special considering of their emotional pain," says Malkin. "They agree with statements like 'I feel I'm temperamentally different from virtually people,' or 'I take bug that nobody else seems to sympathise.'" (Malkin says this form comes upward a lot in teenagers.) Considering these narcissists aren't so showy, or grandiose, they often fly under the radar.

Like psychopathy, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and is non in itself an aberrant trait. Many people with in a higher place-average narcissism volition alive their lives undiagnosed, and successfully, says Malkin, as many cultures advantage the kind of demanding, entitled, exploitative behaviors associated with a narcissistic personality. Those who practice receive an official diagnosis often do so as a outcome of a broader psychological evaluation, says Malkin and handling may involve talk therapy, CBT, DBT, and medications aimed at detail correlative symptoms, like low.

I spoke to i such person, a 46-year-sometime homo who was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder in his mid-30s and was treated for years later. [I'll annotation here that while his English is pretty much perfect, it is his second language; he is Dutch, and lives in the Netherlands.] That conversation, which has been edited for length, is below.

How did you come to exist diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?
I lost my job at the cease of 2009, and I got depressed over that, very securely. I was treated, and well-nigh a year and a half [later], I was considered cured. Three months later, I was dorsum at the dr.'s because I was depressed once more, to a level of suicide. He referred me to a different, older, experienced psychologist, who said "I cannot assistance you" within 20 minutes of talking. He said, "What you need is much more extensive therapy than I tin offer you lot, because your depression came dorsum so hard that there is probably some underlying cause." He said he'd refer me, and would advise [the new clinician] to practise a personality test first, because he expected there to exist some personality event that caused recurring low.

They did the personality exam, and by process of elimination, information technology was concluded that it was egotistic personality disorder. So from that moment on, I started handling, because I didn't want to have that. Of course, at that time, I didn't know that there is no such thing as "I don't desire to accept that," because when you take it, you have it. I but had to learn to live with it. I was in therapy ever since. It lasted six and a half years, and I stopped concluding twelvemonth, in 2017.

Did you have any suspicion that yous might have NPD, or was information technology a full surprise?
None, no. Until that day I didn't even know what it was.

And so you lot kind of learned nigh people's perceptions nearly it at the aforementioned time you were learning what information technology really meant for you.
Since I've been diagnosed with it, I've done everything I can to become familiar with the concept of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. I became somewhat of a specialist myself, and that makes you very enlightened of how a lot of people look at it. It hurts to run across how other people look at it. In my opinion, a lot of people confuse NPD with psychopathy. At that place is and so much written about malignant narcissism, which, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty much the equivalent of psychopathy. In that location is a lot of harm done by people whose main beliefs looks like narcissism. But narcissism [primarily affects our] decision-making processes.

I'll give you an instance: Two guys standing at a crossroads, and two one-time ladies wanting to cross the street. Both guys help a lady out, flirting a little. Onetime ladies like it when young men assist them cross the street and have a express joy. But ask which of the 2 men is the narcissist, and people cannot respond that, because they take besides piddling data. 1 of them is a narcissist, and the other is like a Boy Spotter. If you explain the internal reasoning of the men — ane does it considering he'due south a Boy Scout, and the other because, beyond the street, in that location is a adult female he wants to impress, and then we understand what narcissism really is. People judge narcissists' actions, and they have no inkling whether information technology'southward narcissism or not. That's the part that hurts. Narcissists become blamed for a lot of stuff that's non even narcissism at all. That's what personally annoys me. I'm non [excusing] the actions of narcissists, of people with malignant narcissistic tendencies, but a lot of narcissists are looked at in such a style that information technology makes me reluctant to be honest about the fact that I am diagnosed with NPD.

Do y'all feel that having NPD affects your daily life?
Information technology nevertheless affects my determination-making. Its slows downward my decision-making, because I am aware that I'm a narcissist, and I have to second-judge all my decisions. Information technology will be that way until the stop of time, which, I call up for me personally, is a adept thing. If you lot're not aware of the fact that you're narcissistic, you tin can make wrong decisions. People that are in direction or leadership positions tin make wrong decisions based on their egotistic tendencies, and not be aware of it. So for me, it's a skillful thing. The fact that I did a lot of inquiry on narcissism provides me with a side job that I make money from. I can help people that take problems related to NPD, or people being victimized past someone with NPD, and help them deal with it.

Practice you mean online counseling, or how does that work?
Yes, mostly online counseling. Sometimes existent-life counseling, just usually online, considering here in Holland, narcissism isn't really a big problem. Mostly in the United States and Australia, sometimes England, Canada, New Zealand. China, India. They're all where my clients come from.

What do you lot talk nigh?
In that location are three types of clients. In that location are those that are actually looking for counseling — I have problems, I need help dealing with those problems. There are too those that think they have been victimized past a narcissist, and after two or three sessions, information technology turns out that they are the narcissistic personality of the relationship, which surprised me at first, but it tends to be more common than you recall. There are those that just want to accept the ability to deal with it themselves. Just equally soon as you lot explain to them why they are so confused, and what happened in their human relationship, they empathise. It's a design that repeats itself in every relationship between someone who is narcissistic and someone who is non. And and so they empathize, and they tin move on by themselves.

Do you ever refer them to an bodily doctor? Plain, yous're experienced in this field, but you don't have a degree, right?
Yes. I am getting a psychology degree at this time, merely that would still non brand me a doctor. Then I tin can never prescribe medicines, but some people I refer to a physician or a professional psychologist, because some things you can't do online. You can assess sure things — you can assistance people, you tin give them mindful practices, and you can help them with their thinking patterns, just some people really need regular help with [professional] exercises.

Did y'all make up one's mind to pursue a psychology degree considering of your diagnosis?
I have always been interested in how the human being mind works, fifty-fifty when I was studying communication. And then that was ever a part. Only when I needed the help myself, it became clear to me that that was something I wanted to practice.

I've been helped really well, I take to say. Mental health care in Holland is pretty skillful. A lot of people mutter about it, simply I cannot share those complaints. I was helped actually well. I owe them a lot. I don't recollect I would have been talking to you if I did not get the help that I got. I desire to give that dorsum, at some betoken.

What did your handling entail?
You proper noun it, I've had it. CBT, DBT, schema therapy, which is where you focus on the thinking schematics you take. (The patterns that you call back along are chosen schemas.) That was actually helpful, because you focus on certain schemas you have difficulty with. They all accept names, and mine was "obsessive protector," considering that'due south what narcissism is about. Information technology's about protection. Whenever that schema kicks in, I have to recognize it, acquire to find a manner effectually it, and find another schema to recoup for it, or work along with information technology. It was hard.

And you finished concluding twelvemonth?
Yep. Early last year, I think in Feb or March. I was chosen in and they said, "We're thinking near letting you go." I said "Why? I'm having fun." Information technology was a nice group, information technology was comfortable, everybody was sharing. Information technology was really working for everyone. The therapists said, "Yep, nosotros tin see that you're having fun, but yous're doing so well." I was like, oops. I had been in therapy so long I was afraid to stop. They had been holding my mitt, and so to speak. I didn't know if I could do information technology on my own. I was divorced in the meantime, and partially raising my son. I've been living on my ain, and I wasn't certain if I wanted to go. I had this impression that they were merely going to shut me out and leave me on my own. It was really scary. But they offered me some kind of support that I would build off — at first I'd come in every calendar week for a one-on-1 session with ane of the therapists, then every ii weeks, and then every four weeks, then I was slowly let get. I was okay with that. I wanted to try, and it went well. I'm notwithstanding off the leash, so to speak.

Do you see them at all now, or is it sort of that they're in that location if you actually need them?
Yes. I merely take an emergency number. And I'k still on my antidepressants. I take been on those since I got them. They've been adjusted a couple of times, but I'k non ready to practice without them.

Practice you feel that NPD played a role in your divorce at all? Or in your personal relationships more broadly?
That'southward so hard to say. I met my ex-wife while I had NPD, but when I was not conscious of it. And so it'due south actually kind of a meta question. Would I take ever been with her if I would've been conscious of it? Would she have fallen for me if I would've been conscious of my NPD? I don't know. Maybe nosotros wouldn't have fallen in love at all. I detect that very hard to answer.

Having NPD, looking dorsum — I think you say xx/twenty retrospect in America — has definitely made maintaining relationships, not just with girlfriends just also with friends and others, difficult, yes. That's absolutely truthful.

How does that show upward, or what do those challenges look like?
I remember some situations when I have said things without thinking — things I should not have said to people that are shut to me, or even to strangers, that may not have been so smart.

Do you recall whatsoever particular examples?
At some bespeak I was part of a Taekwondo lodge where I was also teaching. There was a guy I had only seen once, and I fought him in a match. I talked to him like he was my best friend, which was totally inappropriate, because I'd only come across him once. But nosotros were the hosting club, then I was acting similar everything's skilful, and he actually seemed to exist some hot-shot in his club, which I didn't know. And my teacher later said it was completely inappropriate, what I said to him. I shouldn't even take talked to him as far as he was concerned. So those kinds of things, merely crossing boundaries. Y'all don't even feel that they exist. If I would have watched other people amend, how they treated him, I could have known. But I was totally unaware. I acted like the whole identify was mine.

Is that something you experience you learn from when it happens, or is it sort of a repetitive challenge?
I prefer not to be in the center of attention at all. I don't like that.

Do you mean you lot avert information technology to prevent those traits from surfacing?
I take learned that it makes me more comfortable non beingness in that position, because I don't have to behave that way. So information technology actually makes me feel more than like myself not to be there. I've learned that by feeling. Until I started therapy, I never knew what I felt. I know I was angry, and I know I was pitiful. All other feelings were completely strange. Then this awareness of what I felt helped me to detect my position, and to know more of who I am. I think that is the essence of narcissists, is that they don't know who they are. That's why you develop a 2nd self, because the start self is completely unknown to yous. Knowing yourself in a truer sense gives you less need for that 2d self.

What did your second self look like?
"All is good, I don't care, everything's fine, everything's possible. I don't care, and I can do it."

So would y'all say you were arrogant, or merely sort of indifferent?
That's the thing. I have rarely gotten the annotate that I was arrogant, because I actually tin practice a lot. I'm pretty intelligent and I'm pretty handy. Then I usually could live upward to expectations that way. But within, I was e'er doubting myself. That'due south even so true. I'm nevertheless doubting myself right now. I didn't forget all the things I learned that I can do, simply I'm a lot less secure than I was then, when I could merely put on the mask and I would only go for it. I would get into a [chore interview] and I would put on an air like, "Why the fuck are we having this conversation? Where do I sign?" And at present I would go into a [job interview] and I wouldn't even know what to say. I truly don't know, because I've been looking for jobs now for almost ten years. And information technology'due south merely not working. My age does not help, of course, and in spite of my qualifications, information technology's very hard to find a chore.

How old are you?
40-vi.

What types of jobs do you get out for?
I've tried to go back into sales, because that was my previous job, as a sales manager. I've also tried to piece of work equally a squad leader at a phone call center, because I've done that. I've tried to get in IT-related business, considering I can do that, too. Information technology's practically impossible.

Can yous tell me a petty bit about the concept of "supply"?
Narcissism is a defense mechanism. A narcissist lives, has a task, school, and reacts to stuff that happens around them. They will think they autumn in love, considering they see someone, and they get the hots for this person. A non-narcissist will say that is their "supply" [someone they treat as a sponge or source of attention/resources], but the narcissistic person doesn't think that manner, considering they genuinely feel that they are in dearest. They feel the same, they recollect the same, they do the same, because they see this person every bit an addition to their lives, merely equally you would retrieve, if you autumn in love, that this human being or woman is an add-on to your life.

The merely difference is, the narcissistic brain sees the globe outside equally something they take created. The world outside for a narcissist looks different, because they see this earth every bit they have created it. There are imperfections they practise not want to run into, so their brain prevents them from seeing them. This person that they fall in love with besides has imperfections that they practise not want to run across, because they need this person to fit into their globe. It's a puzzle slice that exactly fits into that spot where they need information technology to fit. However, the object of [a non-narcissist'southward] affection is able to exist flexible, evolve, alter with a changing world: You say you desire to go out for dinner and have Italian, they say they want Mexican. You cannot come together and then you decide to get out for Chinese. In a narcissist's world, he wants to have pizza, she says she wants Chinese, and he'south dislocated. How can that perfect puzzle slice not want the same thing he wants? This affair needs to fit exactly where he wants it, where he needs it. That's where a non-narcissist might say the devaluation phase starts — when it's cracking, information technology's non fitting anymore, and they eventually get discarded. Just we narcissists, we don't think that way. We think it's confusing. And eventually, information technology gets all too confusing. And the relationship simply doesn't work.

At present, a malignant narcissist, they will find someone, use that person, and then merely get rid of them, because they act proactively. Narcissists act defensively. That's a big divergence. In the way the malignant narcissist would utilize someone, I think it's correct to utilise the word supply.

What do you think people get wrong about NPD?
People get almost everything wrong virtually narcissism because they confuse it with psychopathy. They attribute a lot of behavior to narcissism due to bad journalism and what I telephone call parroting — one website repeats what another website says, and people go wrongly informed because of it. A lot of information on narcissism on the internet comes from victims of psychopaths, or malignant narcissists, who say 'This is what they did to me, this is narcissism." No, it'southward non. Real, pure NPD is nothing like that. It'southward not violent. It's not calumniating in a deliberate manner. Narcissists abuse people, everybody abuses people. Everybody manipulates people. There is no intention to impairment people when the behavior itself is narcissistically motivated, because it'south a defence mechanism. If a narcissist hurts y'all, yous hurt him first. I retrieve that's the well-nigh of import matter people should know. If they're fucking with someone who is mentally sick, they should expect to be fucked with back. Considering if they're fucking with someone who is not mentally ill, they wait the same. The departure is that the person who is mentally sick normally does not know what they're doing to you, especially in the case of someone who is delusional. And narcissists are delusional by default.

Who among your family and friends know about your diagnosis?
All my family — my mother, my brother, my sis, they all know. My male parent died. 4 of my close friends also know. People that aren't shut to me, I don't phone call them friends, I phone call them acquaintances. I'm very picky with the discussion "friends." They all know.

I don't know how old your son is, only does he know?
He's nine, and he does not know the ins and outs. He knows I take an affliction, only non the ins and outs.

What'due south your relationship with him like?
Good. Nosotros're like four hands on i belly.

What'southward that?
We have this saying here that's translated as "four easily on one abdomen," which ways we're pretty shut.

Do y'all have a relationship with his mom at all?
Every bit little every bit possible.

Do you think the people who've been in relationships with you view those relationships differently than you did? Practise y'all think they'd describe you differently?
Oh, yeah. Well, I can tell you for sure that my son's mother has a very unlike view of me than y'all might now have, and I tin tell that by the things [my son] tells me. She lived through my depression, my worst moments. [The first woman I lived with], I call back she would recollect I'm an asshole, and that one I can't blame. That was in my late 20s, and I tin can say that I was every bit inconsiderate of her as she was of me. I did not intend it to be, but in the finish I can say it was not much more than an experiment.

Have you lot been in relationships since your ex-wife?
Yeah, I accept a relationship correct now. She just brought me coffee.

How exercise you talk virtually her diagnosis with her, if at all?
We are a foreign bunch. We talk about our diagnoses very openly.

She has i also?
Oh, yeah. They accept one as well. My current partner is diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder.

Oh, is that why you say "they" ?
Yes. She has 21 personalities at this time.

How practice you proceed track of them all?
I don't know, I just do.

So is information technology like you have relationships with 20 people, actually?
Twenty people and a rabbit.

And a rabbit?!
At that place are 4 principal personalities, and the residue you practically never run into.

How long have you been together?
We met online on a psychiatry forum. She lived in Colorado before, and she'southward now staying for three months here before she moves to the Philippines, simply we've been together for 3 years.

How practise you feel today about your diagnosis?
I'k glad I have it. Fifty-fifty if in v years time, it may [not fit], I'chiliad still glad I accept information technology, because I've learned a lot from it. I've learned a lot about myself. I'm glad I got that diagnosis.

What It'due south Similar Living As a Diagnosed Narcissist